


The Wizard

by Natasja



Series: I WILL FIX THIS IF IT KILLS ME [3]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Merlin, F/M, Fix-It, Gen, Merlin is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-04 16:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12775008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natasja/pseuds/Natasja
Summary: There was always someone trying to hack into something they shouldn't. Half the time, it was Merlin's own staff, competing against each other. Rather than keeping a constant personal guard, Merlin set up a personal alert whenever someone tried.The remote controlled arm was new (and oh, but the R&D department was going to have fun with it later), but nothing beyond Merlin's skill to handle.





	1. Chapter 1

Kingsman, both the tailoring shop and the term in general, had always implied Quality. The best of the best, and their training reflected that. From Arthur and the Kingsman Knights, all the way down to the mildly terrifying cleaning staff, the Kingsman Agency were efficent and very, very good at what they did.

As Quartermaster and Tech expert, Merlin was no exception. He had joined the agency after trying to track some information htat had been delivered anonymously, spent half an hour breaking through some impressive defences, and traced the source back to Kingsman. The then-current Merlin had stopped the Knights from doing anything impulsive or permanent, and taken him on as Emrys, her eventual replacement when the time came. Merlin hoped that he had lived up to her expectations.

* * *

 

He had kept Kingsman three steps ahead of the technology boom, with the help of a top-notch R&D team. The arm trying to hack the Kingsman mainframe might be the best that money could buy, designed by the kind of intellegent mind that cared more about inventing something new than about what it would be used for, but it was still a machine, not an AI. Machines were fast, but they didn’t adapt like humans did. Merlin’s eyes gleamed with the implied challence, cheerfully bidding farewell to his original plan of browsing Netflix that evening.

The arms’ technology was advance, but Merlin was better. It was the work of moments to deflect it into the shop records back when Kingsman was still just a tailor shop. When the practice of record keeping had truned from paper to digital, Merlin had hidden the records that were no longer required behind countless firewalls and other protections, to draw the attention of potential hackers. The real Kingsman files were equeally secure, if not moreso, but their protections were far more subtle.

While the arm was trying to break into the heavily-encrypted tax statements of the 1800s (and accountant notes complaining about the price of cotton now that the Americas were in rebellion, and there was just no pleasing those bloody Colonials) Merlin got to work on a quiet virus to neutralise the hacking and return the favour. 

Merlin smiled lik the cat who had got both cream and canary as information began to scroll across his screens. Carefully checking for trojan virus’s as he went, he began to make notes on what he found.

Golden Circle seemed similar in name and function to Golden Triangle, a drug cartel that Kingsman had been keeping an eye on. That bore looking into, as did the matter of who or what, exactly, this ‘Statesmen’ was. The internet claimed that it was a liquor company, but liquor companies focused on a single type of liquor, and there were too many references to Tequila, Brandy and Champagne - in context that had nothing to do with alcohol - for it to be anything but a front for something.

He would have Lancelot look into it, then send her and Galahad in a few days, after Eggsy returned from meeting his girlfriend’s parents. Eggsy had never quite got the hang of dealing with people who looked down on him for his background. He would restrain himself, for Tilde’s sake and to avoid being arrested for assaulting royalty, but he would almost certainly be in the mood to blow something up afterward.

Ooh, blackmarket missiles and another plan to take over the world via global pandemic. Well, Kingsman couldn’t be having with that, now could they? Merlin casually hotwired the missiles to target the location of Golden Circles larger drug stockpiles, and set up a piggy-back program that would keep him informed about any further developments.

Eggsy should be emerging from the sewers in a few minutes, along with some creative invective, and Merlin had everything he needed from the arm. Disconnecting it from the system and the mangled taxi, Merlin’s signet ring made quick work of the arm’s wiring and circuits. He stuffed it into a duffle bag to cart down to Avalon (the collective name for the R&D staff) the next morning. It had been a while since he bought them anything new to play with, and they got sulky when they got bored. Besides, there was no point in bypasing an opportunity to improve their own tech.

Humming quietly to himself, Merlin got to work.

* * *

All the lovely new information kept Merlin busy well into the next night, with a brief break for Eggsy's briefing and Roxy coming down every so often to make sure he ate. She joined him again early in the evening, keeping up a running commentary on Eggsy's dinner with the Royals. Galahad might be a touch rough around the edges, but he thought on his feet and made use of available resources, even if those 'resources' were Roxy's upbringing and google skills on whatever the King of Sweden was expecting Eggsy not to know this time.

Yes, Galahad was definitely going to be in the mood to shoot something by the time he got back. Best to aim him in the direction of something that they actually wanted blown up.

Although it wouldn't be the storehouses, given that those had just been blown up by Golden Circle's own missiles. It was such fun to envision the screams of rage from whoever's plan had just been foiled. With luck, that person may take care of Charlie for them, given the ex-candidate's involvement.

Well, that still left investigating Statesman, and tracking down Golden Circle in person. Time to find whatever new toys Avalon had come up with and get Galahad and Lancelot kitted out.

 

 

 


	2. Statesmen, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never leave highly-advanced tech in enemy hands. You never know what they might do with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't originally intended to continue this, but the thought struck me. I may continue further, or I may not.

Merlin’s tech department was happily distracted either taking Charlie’s mechanical arm apart, or dredging through the data Merlin had hacked from it. One of his minions had brought reports of bombings that had targeted random warehouses, within a very short timeframe, meaning that the mastermind had tried to exterminate Kingsman, and failed. Roxy had prepared a preliminary report on Charlie and his backup thugs, and Eggsy was back from Sweden, having successfully semi-impressed the King and Queen. Roxy was still teasing him about needing her help with that, somewhat ruined by Eggsy’s cheerful agreement.

Looking at them, Merlin firmly reminded himself not to feel nostalgic at the memory of himself and Harry, back in the day. “Lancelot, Galahad. I have the briefing for a joint mission that the two of you should look at.”

The two agents in question immediately sat down again, slipping their glasses back on, and Merlin brought up the necessary information on his screen. “This is Statesmen. On the outside, it’s a nationwide alcohol company, with their headquarters in a whiskey distillery in Kentucky.”

Merlin wrinkled his nose slightly, as if personally offended by the American version that dared to compare itself to a decent single-malt scotch. “We don’t know exactly what it’s hiding, but an ‘Agent Whiskey’ associated with it came up too many times in the arm’s data for it to be entirely genuine.”

Roxy flipped through the folder he handed them, glancing at Eggsy. “Ideas for our cover? If one of them is connected to whatever Charlie is involved in, then we need to assume that they have an idea about Kingsman, too.”

Eggsy grinned proudly, pulling out his phone to send a text. “Tilde’s going on a state visit to the USA in a few days. Her parents are worried about the President’s stance on… well, everything, really. They want Tilde’s impression of him. He’s also got a hotel in Kentucky, and will jump at the chance to show it off if she expresses an interest in touring the area.”

His phone pinged with a reply, and he nodded. “Statesman distillery is being added to the royal itinerary as we speak.” Another ping. “Tilde says she’ll probably in the mood for something stronger than wine after dealing with the President.”

Roxy cackled, smirking at him. “You’ll be sticking by her side, then? Be careful her parents don’t start hearing wedding bells.”

Eggsy’s attempt to loftily ignore her was ruined by the faint blush on his cheeks. “They’ve accepted that Tilde and I are dating, but there’s a big difference between that and accepting me into the family, and Tilde can’t marry anyone without her parent’s permission.”

Left unsaid was how much Eggsy’s dedication to Kingsman would clash with the responsibilities of a Prince. Merlin would need to make time to look into that. Meanwhile, he raised an eyebrow at the two, who subsided a touch guiltily, and waved them away.

* * *

 

Merlin had gone through Kingsman training, having the dubious fortune of discovering the agency a few days before the cohort for the newly-opened Galahad position had started their training. He had made it to the final six, but had never been intended for the table. He had been Emrys, the future Merlin, undertaking the training primarily to see how it could be improved, and the kind of equipment future agents would need.

Most knights would have stared in confusion if Merlin told them that he preferred it that way. The life of a field agent was not one that called to him. Anyone could shoot a gun, blow something up or pick a lock. Orchestrating the missions, start to finish, guiding an agent who placed his life in your hands, again and again… that was incomparable.

Princess Tilde’s state visit was going well, although it left Merlin wondering how the buffoon had ever managed to get elected. Eggsy was also performing remarkably well diplomatically, as was Roxy in her cover as Tilde’s bodyguard. Merlin knew that Tilde didn’t know much about Kingsman beyond that Eggsy was a spy posing as a tailor, but watching her smooth the way for Lancelot and Galahad to operate, without anyone even noticing… perhaps it was time to consider bringing her into the fold a little more.

It was easy enough for the two agents to slip away and start searching for whatever Kingsman was hiding when Tilde magnanimously gave her staff the day off, subjecting herself to the protection of the USA Secret Service, even if it meant putting up with the President who came with them. Merlin didn’t think that Tilde would need to use the suspiciously-familiar signet ring - surely even the 45th President was aware of how much of a diplomatic disaster getting overly familiar with a foreign princess would be - but resolved to have a word with Eggsy about appropriate uses of Kingsman resources anyway.

* * *

Meanwhile, he hacked into the security cameras, as easily as breathing. “Agents, the warehouse to your left has security rather excessive for a mere temperature-controlled storage area. It’s biometric, but Lancelot’s new watch can hack into anything with a mainframe.”

Roxy beamed, lifting her watch as though she were adjusting the time, “Perfect opportunity for a test-run, isn’t it then.”

As expected, the watch worked like a charm, and Merlin made a note to let his staff play with enemy technology more often. It was clearly an excellent incentive. Getting inside was easy, but they were discovered quickly by a man about the agent’s age, dressed like a rodeo cowboy, who hadn’t shown up on the door cameras. It certainly reinforced the opinion that Statesman was not what it pretended to be. Eggsy, matching the young man in muscle, if not quite in height, merely folded his arms and glared back, while Roxy drew on the aristocratic haughtiness that she usually disdained. “We are part of Princess Tilde of Sweden’s security detail. Suspicious activity was reported in this area.”

The cowboy didn’t believe them, and attacked. Perhaps it would have worked if either of the agents had been alone, or working with anyone but each other. Roxy and Eggsy had trained together, though, and moved in perfect sync. It was a genuine pleasure to watch. The stranger was clearly well-trained, and it took longer than expected, but they had the would-be cowboy pinned in a matter of minutes.

Roxy pulled out a hair tie that restrained people better than any handcuffs, while Eggsy pinned the agent down. “Now, you’re going to ell us what Statesmen has to do with the people who tried to blow us up.”

The cowboy twisted his head and spat at her. “I ain’t telling you jack, lady.”

Eggsy promptly started frisking him, with a former pick-pocket’s eye to anything even slightly out of the ordinary. Roxy used the pendant on her necklace to scan anything Eggsy pulled out, both of them ignoring the young man’s curses and foul language. It didn’t take long to find a belt-flask that worked as a security tag. Merlin hacked that, too, and a large barrel at the end of the room opened to reveal an elevator. Eggsy stunned the cowboy and hauled him over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. “Don’t want him raising an alarm behind our backs.”

 

From there, things moved quickly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a theory on how Eggsy and Merlin were taken down so easily in Golden Circle.
> 
> Eggsy and Merlin are both excellent fighters, but with the exception of V-Day, they've never fought together, so they don't know each other's styles or how to cover each other's weaknesses. They go to Statesman knowing that it's their Doomsday Protocol, and in the interest of not cutting their last asset, don't want to hurt Tequila too badly.
> 
> In this, Roxy and Eggsy were trained together, and probably continued to do so. They're best friends, and know how to fight together. Kingsman know nothing about Statesman, other than that it's a front for something, and somehow associated with the people who tried to blow them up. They go in prepared for the worst, and in no way hesitant about taking down anyone who tries to stop them.
> 
> I'm still deciding how it goes from here.


	3. Statesmen, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explanations, and more questions

Eggsy and Roxy made it down into the main base before they were caught, though to be fair, that was still further than they had expected to get. What with toting along a tied-up agent swearing at the top of his lungs, and all, they’d hoped to be able to find the concealed entrance, at best. Roxy had stuffed one of his own socks in his mouth during the elevator ride, but he was still managing to be quite loud.

As a result, they soon had two other agents; a dark-skinned woman and an older man with the same cowboy mojo as the one they had taken down, after them. It took even less time for them to reach a stalemate, pinned down across opposite sides of a hall and shouting at each other between taking potshots.  
At first it had been just insults and accusations, but they had finally reached the question stage, mostly from the older man. “Who the blazes are you and what is your vendetta with us?”

Roxy fired back, her gun ready for covering fire. “Your organisation showed up in files linked to a group that tried to blow us sky high with illegal, blackmarket missiles. I think we should be the ones asking that question.”

Their hostage managed to spit out the sock being used for a gag. “If it’s about that Lepodiatrist fellow…”

Eggsy glanced down at him, “The what and who now?”

A door banged open, a head of curly salt-and-pepper hair poking out. “What on earth is going on out here?”

Merlin’s calm voice in their ear dissolved into loud, creative swearing as the Kingsman Agents stared at a very much alive Harry Hart, dressed in a tracksuit and with the new addition of an eyepatch, who stared at them with absolutely zero recognition. Roxy shifted her gun from cover to kill, aimed squarely at the other agents, while Eggsy pressed his against the temple of their own hostage. “Start talking, now.”

The dark-skinned woman finally took over. “We found him at the site of what, in hindsight, was obviously a test run for V-Day. He had a bullet wound to the head, non-fatal with the application of some of our medical tech, but it resulted in amnesia.”

The Kingsman agents paused when Merlin spoke in their ear. “I used your glasses to remotely hack into their database, and found a mention of them in the Tailor Shop records. Statesman is another independent intelligence agency, so while we can’t entirely rule out individual corruption, the organisation as a whole is more or less clean.”

Eggsy knew better than to remark that it would have been nice to know that earlier. “So Kingsman and Statesman are sister-organisations?”

They could practically hear Merlin shaking his head. “More like the distant cousin you never talk to and only interact with when forced. Play nicely for now.”

* * *

 

They re-grouped at the hotel where Tilde was staying, as semi-neutral ground. Tilde had gone along with Eggsy’s request to pretend that the Statesman Agents wanted to talk to her about investment and that Harry was an old acquaintances through Kingsman Tailors, who did, in fact, occasionally count the Swedish Royals among their customers, and had him swept off to an adjourning room. There were benefits to having booked an entire floor, even if it was mostly for security reasons. Eggsy sent her a text when they had finished discussing Kingsman and Statesman business, and moved onto what to do about Harry, who was being settled into yet another room.

The woman, Agent Ginger Ale, something akin to Kingsman’s Merlin, had just finished a more in-depth explanation of the medical technology that had saved Harry’s life. More specifically, the way to reverse the amnesia side-effects. Roxy frowned. “You suggest that we re-create some of the scenarios we faced in training?

Eggsy shook his head. “Not sure that’ll work, Rox. Training was hard, yeah, but it was more about overcoming our fears and reacting under pressure than it was traumatising.”

Roxy’s expression suggested that she was remembering the parachute exercise, which she had found entirely traumatising, but she agreed with Eggsy. “Is there anything from his personal files that might work?”

Eggsy shrugged helplessly. “Between rescuing me from the cops and the Kentucky fiasco, we spent more time with Harry unconscious than having the time to get to know each other.” 

Tilde patted his shoulder sympathetically. “At least you finally have an excuse to move Mr Pickles. Harry would probably want him back.”

Eggsy smirked up at her. “Not that either of us are sad to move him out of the downstairs bath -“ He froze mid-sentence, eyes widening and face splitting into a broad grin as he swept his girlfriend into a kiss. “Til, love, you’re brilliant!” He turned to the Statesman Agents, “I don’t suppose there are any pet-shops nearby? We need a Yorkshire terrier puppy.”

* * *

 

About an hour later, Tilde and the gathered agents were treated to the sound of muffled raised voices from the Room where Harry was staying, which cut off after a triumphant cry from Eggsy. Champ sighed in exasperation. “In our defence, we didn’t have access to the context, or we would have figured it out ages ago.”

Merlin, on vid-feed over a laptop in the interest of Roxy not having to repeat everything, merely shrugged. “The lad has good instincts, no matter how unconventional he is.”

Tilde looed proud, “Even in a suit, people still underestimate him. It’s both annoying and beneficial.”

Further conversation was forestalled when Eggsy and Harry entered the meeting room, Harry looking far more aware than earlier, and zeroing in on the laptop that held Merlin’s face. “Merlin.”

Merlin’s lips barely twitched, which for him was the equivalent of a face-splitting grin. “Welcome back, Galahad.”

Tilde reluctantly interjected. “I hate to break up the mood, but I’ve been invited to join the President for dinner, and I’d rather have someone with me.”

Eggsy winked at her. “Just give me a moment to change, luv. Which version am I aiming for?”

Tilde beamed. “Posh with the guests, Chav with the President. There are trade negotiations going on back home, and coming up in the UK, and if the ambassadors are busy cringing over the behaviour of the man giving them orders, especially if his twitter posts contradict all other reports, it can only be in our favour.”

Roxy stifled a groan as Eggsy looked at her with literal hearts in his eyes, before he and the Crown Princess both left to change for dinner. “They are perfect for each other and its kind of terrifying. Also slightly sickening in the ridiculously love-struck sense.”

Tequila, who had been surprisingly forgiving of the hostage situation and was now far more flirtatious than threatening, shrugged. “One day, you’ll have to tell us that story.”

Merlin cut in. “Later. We’ve got movement on Charlie and whoever he’s working with. I’ve got some of my minions keeping an eye on things here, and I’m on a plane to your location.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided to play up Tilde as Valentine described her: popular, politically influential and intelligent. I also like adding a bit more in the relationship between her and Eggsy, and how it could potentially work.


	4. Clara

Tilde dismissed her official guard when they returned to the suite, gracefully flopping onto Eggsy’s lap. “He spent a large portion of dinner ranting about drug-users ruining society. Even if he signs the decree, he’ll delay it until the victims are beyond saving.”

Eggsy wrapped an arm around her, kissing her temple. His Kingsman training held, but his clenched jaw was obvious. “No help from that quarter, then. What leads to we have?” 

Ginger Ale sighed. “From discussion with Merlin, this Charlie seems to be the middle-man and errand boy. Being legally dead, he’s hard to track, but…”

Merlin took over, “We have a lead through his girlfriend, Clara. She’ll be at the Glastonbury Music Festival, easy enough to slip her a tracker there.”

Roxy nodded. “The hard part will be getting passes to the VIP section this close to the date.”

Tilde shook her head. “Accommodation, yes, that was sold out months ago. Day passes I can get you. After dealing with the President, I doubt that anyone will blame me for wanting some time to enjoy myself with my boyfriend before returning home.”

Statesman looked pained, as though embarrassed to admit to having him as their Head of State. Eggsy wrapped an arm around his girlfriend as she leaned into him, shifting to look at her seriously. “High chance of this mission turning into a Honeypot, babe, depending on her type.”

Every other Agent in the room raised an eyebrow, disbelieving that Eggsy would actively tell his partner of the probability of sleeping with another woman, but Merlin was unsurprised. Eggsy was too serious about Tilde to lie about this, and Tilde knew about intrigue and having to cosy up to an enemy. She was secure enough in Eggsy’s love that she wouldn’t feel threatened.

Sure enough, Tilde only scoffed. “With Classless Clara, I do not doubt it. Her type is ‘attractive and breathing’, and there is little that will cause her to turn anyone down.”

Roxy smirked at her partner, looking up from where she had been hacking Clara’s other social media. “Want back up? Her Instagram has far too many Kardashian selfies for me to think that gender will be a concern, and we should have a variety, just in case.”

Tilde smiled. “She does not like girls whom she perceives as younger-looking or prettier than her. I think that you will be in no danger. She may see ‘winning’ a handsome young man away from you as incentive, however.”

Agent Tequila looked very, very interested in that line of thought. A few of the other Statesman staff looked faintly appalled. Roxy rolled her eyes. “Honestly, and you Yanks say that we’re the prudes. Eggsy and I will do a bit more research, and be ready to go when the tickets are.”

The younger crowd left, followed by Tequila, and Harry turned to Merlin. “Do I need to point out how many problems recruiting her is going to cause?”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Not as an agent, but potentially as one of our contacts. As Princess and eventual Queen, she’ll be made aware of potential problems before they become actual problems. The world is changing, and it is harder and harder to operate in the shadows.” 

Harry raised an eyebrow, surprised that Merlin, of all people, would say so. Merlin frowned at him, galled to admit that anything technological was difficult for him. “Even with a back-door into every traffic system and camera circuit in any city in the world, people begin to notice. Every phone has a camera capable of recording, and unusual event go viral within minutes. We are going international more and more often, and we need contacts there, too. If other continents have agencies like Statesmen, we need to know, and work together.”

* * *

 

The mission went smoothly, with the exception of a loud four-way debate about the effectiveness of a tracker that had to be absorbed through mucus membrane vs spiking a drink or an ‘accidental’ brush of skin on skin. 

Merlin and Ginger Ale exchanged exasperated glances. The Statesman counterpart huffed an embarrassed sigh. “Our latest crop of R&D recruits have expectations based on Hollywood Spy movies, and the STEM gender imbalance doesn’t help. I’ve been trying to get them out of that mindset, but…”

She trailed off with a shrug. Merlin squeezed her hand sympathetically. “There’s always one recruit we have to beat that mindset out of every time I train a cohort. Usually the ones like that in R&D give us some other reason to fire them.”

Ginger Ale huffed again. “If they can’t give me some kind of interrogation or tracking device that doesn’t  involve seducing the target, I’m getting rid of the lot of them and starting over. It’s getting ridiculous.”

Merlin chuckled, ignoring the increasingly incredulous looks he was being thrown by Harry, who had never seen the Wizard this open with anyone, “Tracker has activated, and they’re on the move. The four of you, stop arguing and get in the meeting room so we can strategise.”

It only took a few minutes before the door opened, and Tequila led the way in. “- lookout for a spiked drink at a music festival.”

Roxy rolled her eyes, “Not everyone at a festival is going to be straight, or interested in a one-night-stand. If you can’t invent something that’s undetectable without VERY specialist screening, you’re doing it wrong.”

Holding hands, Eggsy and Tilde strolled in behind them, looking amused. Tilde sat down easily, “Well, what is next?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to update, the amount of things demanding my time, both fanfic-related and non-, has been truly insane.
> 
> If you're interest in reading my non-fanfiction work, it's available on most online bookstores under the pen-name Natasja Rose

**Author's Note:**

> Poppy clearly had some excellent tech people on hand, but are you seriously trying to tell me that Merlin didn't have some sort of safeguard against hacking? After V-Day, Harry's death and Arthur's betrayal, Merlin didn't look into ways of preventing agents from poking into files they didn't need to know about?
> 
> Not buying it.


End file.
